Dreaming of Silver Roses

Fairy tale stories

We were young and dreaming

All of us

We were all for believing

The best was yet to come

We would have a home

A place to belong…

Then you were gone

A decade late

Now you show concern

You mean well

You share the lessons you have learned

You “protect”

But I’m outside your reach

Broken trust…

Now I’m not the one you seek

Promises made

We were young and dreaming

Just we two

I was for trying and believing

I called out loud

The deafening silence screamed

You weren’t listening to me.

A decade late

Now silence fills your ears

Unbroken by

Our laughter or our tears

You reach out

It’s a void that’s debilitating

But you weren’t there…

Now I’m not the one you seek.

Fairy tales

Flooded with “Happily Ever Afters”

Full of peace

Being wanted and joyous laughter

Even if there were tears and sorrow

There was together…so I believed

But they were just words

And now they have helped create this “me”.

Decades later

I am the wicked witch

The one who only looks out

For me and my own “itch”

I am the one who protects “mine and me”

And I feel your shock and awe

Because I’m not the one you seek.

For so long you let your silence speak

Now I’m not the one you seek.

Filed under: poetry on August 14th, 2010 | No Comments »

I was listening to Sirus Radio’s channel The Coffee House when I heard this song. It stopped me in my tracks. I thought I’d share.

Artist : Martin Sexton

Song: Friends Again

Album: Sugarcoating

Filed under: art, music on August 14th, 2010 | No Comments »

Brave doesn’t mean unafraid. It means moving forward the best we can in the face of our fears. Sometimes it’s just time to move. There is no option. It might lead to a really incredibly horrible season. But life is made up of seasons. One leads to the next I think.

When it’s done,
There will be no back road,
There is no trap door,
No hiding place
All cards facing up,
No poker faces,
No hidden traces,
No secret stash

When it’s done,
There will be wounds made
There will be tears shed
No turning away
Face the music
Pay the piper
No cheaper seats

When it’s done,
There will be you.
There will be me
No more we.
No more back up
No more rescues
Lonesomeness you can’t fathom

When it’s done,
There will be no back road,
There is no trap door,
No hiding place
All cards facing up,
No poker faces,
No us,
Just you and me,
No we.
When it’s done.

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 30th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

       This month of school has been such an edurance test. Field trips and school plays of all different kinds. Mat went to Austin alone. I have to get his film developed. Abbey went to a Fairy Tale Ball and then bowling and a park! There are no adequate words for the noise level of a bowling alley FULL of 3rd graders. Abbey however had a blast.

       Yes, what you are seeing behind Abbey are wall to wall 3rd graders. There was an equally large sea of small fry bodies on the opposite side! Lots of children, dropping and rolling balls, sugar in the form of sodas, brownies, smoothies, and candy were everywhere!

My little chocoholic thought the quarter pound brownie was awesome.

She did proclaim that the PINK balls were too heavy!

     You haven’t lived until you hear an ocean of 3rd grade voices all singing loud and proud Miley Cyrus’ “The Climb”!

       Mathew had his own exciting moments. “The play’s the thing,” said William Shakespeare’s Hamlet and Mat would agree. Especially, a Texas History play where there are cowboys, monks, Native Americans, Praire women, tornados, and line dancing!

       I think the next to last Line Dancing number to a Shania Twain tune says it all:

Filed under: art, humor, kids, life, music on May 21st, 2010 | No Comments »

     Today my princess, dressed in her finest, went to her school’s “Fairy Tale Ball”. She danced with Pinochio. She had cupcakes, cookies, and punch. She rubbed elbows with other royalty, magical people, and even a few villians. There were a number of Peter Pans, Pirates, Princes, Princesses, Dorthys, various Disney Princesses, the Red Queen and Mad Hatter, Johnny Apple Seeds, Paul Bunyans, Pecos Bills, the Tin Man, Captain Hook, and more.

     Abbey’s first choice was “Elphaba”. And really who could blame her! Elphie is different. Elphie was misunderstood. Elphie had a passion for justice and saving the oppressed. Elphie was the underdog. Elphie was brilliant. And she could sing! Abbey related to the emotions Elphaba experienced and her need to be accepted and wanted. I loved the idea. However, in a small town Abbey and I were afraid that all that anyone would see would be Margaret Hamilton’s version not Idina Menzel’s.

So finally for many of the same reasons, Abbey chose to be Disney’s Beauty and the Beast’s “Belle”. After all “Belle” saved her Prince instead of waiting around to be saved! I was thrilled with her logic. (Belle is my favorite Disney Princess too unless you count Gisell.)

    My girl is quiet by nature. She isn’t flamboyant or flashy. She is lovely and very tender hearted. She was a bit nervous and a little self concious about it all. But I applied make-up, shined up her tiara, and she shone. She is a royalty to me. I am very proud of her. She isn’t the ham her big brother is. She is more meditative and thoughtful. She doesn’t need or want a crowd like Mat and I, but her soothing spirit often heals people one on one. You feel at peace around Abbey. Everyone is welcome in her circle. She is a realist. She is honest. She is growing.

     She had fun I think. She danced her final dance with me. And I all I could think was:

Filed under: kids, life, music, relating well, Uncategorized, wonder on May 13th, 2010 | No Comments »

 

     Ten years ago, he was a tiny, raven haired, “blue” (wet lungs) wriggly, thing with giant brown eyes . I was a marveling, wriggling, stunned, wide  eyed…. new mom. I had no clue what I was supposed to do with this new life placed in my hands. Not really. I mean I was fairly certain that there would be bottles, diapers, and no more sleep … ever. I was fairly certain that I needed to up grade my super hero knowledge bank. I was reading like frantic for the nine months prior to his arrival about robots, Narnia, Wrinkle in Time, Christopher Robin, King David, and Jesus. I listened to Andrew Peterson’s “Little Boy Heart Alive” and Rich Mullins’ “Boy Like You/ Man like Me”.

     I have been so proud for the last 10 yrs. to be his mom. He really has been very easy. He’s bright intellectually and in personality. He’s funny. He loves making others laugh. He’s considerate and tender hearted. He adores his baby sister. Now, that’s not to say he doesn’t have flaws. He has his mother’s sharp tongue to match his gift for words. He has his father’s quickness to judge to match his joy in making friends. He has the laze about gene like the 80′s version of Strawberry Shortcake’s Huckleberry Pie that make most boys like long summer days flat on your back doing nothing (even if mom just requested your room to be cleaned). But he is becoming a man I am more proud of every day and amazed by every moment. He has my dreamer spirit still. He has my since of life’s injustices and frankness of speech.

     Today I woke him at 4 a.m. to put him on a charter bus with scads of other 4th graders headed from this area near Dallas to Austin. He’ll tour the state capital. He’ll play games on the bus about Texas and national history. He will eat pizza with his buddies. Then he’ll come dragging home around 8:00 pm tonight.  He is going without me. He is stepping out and stepping up. I’m not concerned about his behavior. He has a strong sense of right and wrong married to a deep respect for others. I still am that  25 year old new mom some where who wonders if I can keep him safe. I worry about providing him with what he needs (and much of what he wants). I worry about things out of my control like flat tires on the bus, insane people at the capital, will he have enough to eat, will he eat in the time he’s given, and a host of other things a mom lets swim in her grey matter when her hands are not close to the ones she loves.

     I agree that he needs the right to independence. I agree he is growing up and responsible. I know he can respect those in authority and handle himself well. But… he’s my boy. And I love him. I always will. So a moment to ponder and then I’ll open my hand and let him grow. I am so proud of my son.

Filed under: kids, life, music on May 11th, 2010 | 1 Comment »

       One of my favorite Mother’s Day songs is by Carly Simon. I respect her music and enjoy it all, but one of my kids’ favorite songs this time of year is :

 

     I love the imagery and concrete things that people would recognize that speak to who Carly Simon is- for example, avacados, standing ovations, and I Love Lucy. She lists off all the things that matter to her and then reminds her children that they are the  real love of her life from the moment they were born. It’s beautiful and it always speaks to the kids and me.  

     Mat, Abbey, and I would play that song then list things we liked too. It was a good way to get know each other and every time I ‘ve asked them there’s been a new edtion, but the last thing we acknowlege is that they are THE love of my life. While I love the variety of things, art, music, whatever… the most valuable, the most beautiful are my kids. They are my highest art.

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 9th, 2010 | No Comments »

She is beautiful to me
I don’t if I’ve ever told her
I know I’ve never said it enough

Humpty Dumpty nursery rhymes
Music is a friend of mine
Gentle with someone who’s small
For someone tiny she stands so tall

She is brilliant to me
I don’t know if I’ve ever told her
I know I’ve never told her enough

Teaching me in Sunday school
Living out the golden rule
Holding tight while letting go
One of the strongest ladies I know

I am becoming more like her
I don’t know if I’ve ever told her.
I’ve never thanked her enough.

Filed under: kids, life, poetry, relationships, Uncategorized on May 8th, 2010 | No Comments »

     I was in a car accident today. Not my fault, but the smash up was not so fun. Most wrecks are like that. I’ve personally had two car wrecks in my life with me behind the wheel.

     Have you ever noticed after any calamity the number one asked question is always, “How are you feeling?” Everyone asks. Some ask sincerely. Some asks politely. Some ask because they don’t know what else to say.

       Carolyn Arends writes in her song “We Are Not Alone” from her album Pollyanna’s Attic, “There are friends who offer comfort and they mean well, but sometimes it’s like salt inside awound…and it’s good to speak of heaven when it feels more like a hell, but we ask our hearts for healing much too soon…” .

     So for all those curious about how I ‘feel’ with deep love and respect I’d love to say with Sara Bettens:

Filed under: life, music on May 6th, 2010 | No Comments »

       I use to play with a tornado. I use to fish, swim, cook, sing with a tornado. For 18 yrs. Then there was the promise of college and a new life. For awhile, there was real peace. Real healing. And I began to believe again. Began to hope again. Began to dream again. I wanted to be free. I thought I was free.

(Sara Groves, album It’s Alright Here, http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4059026978811388895#)

When working with victims of a ’tornado’ I pray:

God save me from offering advice when there is pain.
God save me from comforting through Christian cliche’s.
God save me from offering false hope because it stops the pain for a moment.
God save me from quick fix plans and pat prayers for other’s pain.

       In the middle of a tornado, you duck and cover. After it passes over you rise from the rubble if you’re able. You can’t recognize the landscape anymore. It resembles the hopes and dreams you built. It bears similarities. But it isn’t the life you wanted or worked for. No disaster leaves anyone near it unscathed. Oh, some fair better than others, but those close to it are impacted. If in no other way, they bear the burden of wanting to shoulder the burdens of other, the guilt of why wasn’t it me but I’m grateful, and the agony of not being able to relate and share with all they are. They were there, but they weren’t in there.

       I think sometimes we create our tornado. Sometimes we are caught in the middle of someone else’s disaster. Sometimes there’s just a catastrophe and no why or who’s to blame. “…and I am learning the real meaning of forgiveness….” – Sara Groves.

Filed under: Uncategorized on May 6th, 2010 | No Comments »