Hmm, What am I thinking….
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Life

I have been spinning Mary Chapin Carpenter’s cd The Calling. (I am also reading a book by Robert Coles, more L’Engle stuff, and Dostoevsky so not all pressure for my ranting here falls on MC2) I really am provoked by her cd. Maybe it’s one of those intersections in your life when you see, hear, connect with an artist’s medium just when you need it. I just know that when it plays something soul deep in my heart is straining beating wildly against my chest so hard that I feel like wrapping something around my rib cage in case this breaks and splinters my sternum on the way out.

I mean songs on the album speak to “your life’s story” and I know even the word ’story’ is like an electrified buzz word in my grey matter. She also uses April charged words like ‘grace’ and ‘calling’. She is an incredible story teller. In her song, Houston, she tells the story of a family caught in the assault of Hurricane Katrina.

I guess words like ‘journey’, ‘home’, and ‘driven’ just make that private place in me that is susceptible to my searching soul  screaming to set out on a quest for participating in something bigger than me stand up in attention. Rick Warren writes in The Purpose Driven Life:

It’s human nature to get distracted by minor issues. We play Trivial Pursuit with our lives. Henry David Thoreau observed that people live lives of “quiet desperation,” but today a better description is aimless distraction. Many people are like gyroscopes spinning around at a frantic pace but never going anywhere.  (P.32)

If you want your life to have impact, focus it! Stop dabbling. Stop trying to do it all. Do less. Prune away even good activities and do only that which matters most. Never confuse activity with productivity. You can be busy without a purpose, but what’s the point?  (P.32-33)

I feel so much of a frantic, fanatical struggle in me to measure up to the expectations of others some days. Then I feel the compulsion of “the call” that Carpenter talks about in her music on this cd tugging at me as well. The two can seem in competition. Warren talks about how God’s will and purpose for our lives is the key to joy in living. I hear that and get it.

The trouble for me most days is that I am waiting for a holy syllabus to be passed down so I can “fulfill my purpose” per divine specs. When “the call” and “purpose” are so general I am left often feeling directionless. I am a rule follower. I am a person who loves “the check list relationship guide”. It looks a little like this:

“April, if you do this and that at this point, then I will be pleased and our relationship is solid and on track.”

 ”April, if you accomplish this then you will have purpose and life will make sense.”

“April, you were meant to do thus and such. Do that and you will be in His will.”

Life doesn’t work that way. No one is going to lay it all out play by play for me.

I do totally believe that there are certain rules and guides that should be followed. There is the golden rule. There is “go make disciples” (Which I believe is different than the traditional evangelical assault tactics of pressuring folks into a carbon copy of their personal versions of Jesus that I grew up with. It stands in contrast I think with introducing them to the person, Jesus Christ . There is often such a lack of love in how we share our story and His story and the intersection of the two  who wants that! There is a difference between introducing people to Jesus and expecting people to look just like me.). There is “a cup of cold water in His name” and “when you did it for the least of these my brothers, you did it unto me”. I get that. There is reading and searching out for yourself what is said rather than just blindly following the moral majority because it’s easier than asking why they believe this, and what was actually meant by what you heard, read, or saw. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about morals and ethics - Judeo Christian morals and ethics, but me the issue is that we’d rather have a falible human person give us a hand written set of those than do the work of reading the Word, asking questions, praying, and researching ourselves. Then we join a band wagon to impose those regurgitated belief on others without checking out the Truth of the matter or loving well. There really is nothing wrong with asking good solid questions.

The calling and life is so much more complex and complicated and challenging than what I grew up believing. It’s true the Word never changes but my view of God does. He gets bigger every year. How to love Him and how to love others gets bigger and more contradictory. People who say they love him make it so hard to love our brother because the argument are the same from those who are and those who aren’t loving Him . “Side with me. If you don’t then one side says you aren’t tolerant or accepting.” The other side says “if you love that person then you are sanctioning behaviors that are wrong.” You can’t just live and love and serve without reservation which is what I think is most Christ like.

He didn’t take on the lifestyle of everyone he met – prostitutes, the militant, the aggressors, the adulteress, the drunk, the thieves, the broken. But he did love and was welcomed by those folks. Jesus was an outcast only among those who thought they had it all together. Those who were “in the right” and confident about their own morality really disliked Him. That often bugs me in light of my own life because I don’t want to make ripples. I don’t want to not blend in everywhere. People talk about Jesus being as L’Engle terms Him, “a universe disturber”, and here I sit out of contact, disconnected, and untouchable because that is safe. Here I sit without getting “too involved” because I don’t want the messiness. I want it peaceful, quiet, and morally clean. The trouble is that doesn’t really sound like Jesus.

   If living God’s will is the way to finding my ultimate purpose then it seems that in my calling – which I think is writing and how I live as I touch people in my sphere of influence- then I am going to make some really “good folks” angry, confused, and disenchanted. I won’t fit in with the “in crowd”. (and that still hurts my heart just like it did in junior high oddly enough) I won’t have an easy life. The modern life philosophy of ‘Don’t I deserve to be happy?’ won’t apply to me. I don’t deserve happiness. I am sometimes blessed with moments of it, but I don’t deserve it. The idol of this age, ‘comfort’ won’t be mine either. Whew. It won’t always feel good to be the me I was created to be.

But I do believe that I will be gifted with some genuine, rich friendships. Jesus was. I believe I will experience real love. Jesus did. I believe I will eventually get past the noise and confusion to peace and joy. Check the garden out. I will leave a legacy if I really care about others with no regard to whether they deserve it or not or look like me or not. It won’t matter if I change their lifestyle because by loving them I will change their world and mine. It might bleed over into helping them do the right thing, but that’s not really the point. Were they loved responsibly and without condition- that is the point. What they do with that love is their business. My business is to lavishly give Love away.

That is purpose. Revealing it in what I am passionate about doing… that is fulfilling my calling.

Currently listening : The Calling By Mary Chapin Carpenter Release date: 2007-03-06

Say what? Advice about what?
Current mood: animated
Category: Life

            A dear friend emailed me today to ask me what council I would give in a class for engaged couples. I had to think for a moment and remember where I was at that time and look from that spot to where I am now – ten years later. I am sighing right now at the weariness of the journey. I am smiling at the memories that we’ve made along the way. I am tearing up at the regrets we’ve acquired. I wouldn’t be a genuine human being if I didn’t admit that there have been both.

My initial reaction to the question was that I am highly under qualified to give any one in that fragile, ecstatic, (though justifiable) often focused on “just the two” phase of life. It is a space that is sacred – for any relationship of any kind from pet to parent from lovers to friends from forever to just the next six months. At the beginning is a sacred space. The realization that you are willing to participate in creating a new connection with another life is a sacred space.

            Isn’t marriage the pinnacle of those connections? Isn’t choosing a life partner the ultimate in big decisions? Is it a big decision – to quote Tina Fey as Senator Palin, “You betcha”. Is it “the” big decision? Well, I think one of the reasons we so often mishandle this decision is the weight we place on it. Little girls play with wedding day Barbie and Sleeping Beauty’s Enchanted castle, little boys play white knights with their princesses to rescue and run like the wind from playing house, movies are made year after year about pairing up and pairing off. It looks like it should be “the” thing. It looks like it should be “the” determining factor in our happy gauge. I think everyone should weigh the seriousness of the decision for themselves. I think too much of an emphasis causes issues beyond imagination and not enough and you get a different assortment of psychoses. So I am not going there.

            I gave my friend a list of topics I thought were relevant to discuss from “marrying someone you are friends with” to “active listening skills” to “how to fight fairly” to “learn how to brainstorm dating ideas at the stage of engaged couple, newly weds, new parents, and older marrieds”, “forgiveness” and a few others.

            What are some words of wisdom I remember when I contemplate where I am now?

·        Elizabeth Elliot once wrote, “You marry a sinner. There is no one else.” That quote had gotten a lot of mileage in my married life. For Diallo and for me. (I would also say that you give birth to sinners.)  If you can accept in the beginning of any new relationship that there are born into it imperfections (and fair or not that’s life) then you don’t expect the impossible and you won’t crater when you can’t give the impossible.

·        Ken Gire writes that every person living and breathing is sacred. Every moment is potentially a sacred moment. If you can accept that then you will life with gratitude toward life all around you. You will see the value inherent in the other in your relationships. Life is no accident. No one can reproduce. There is something amazing in each life you witness. Recognizing life’s sacredness creates a sense of wonder and gratitude that will enrich your relationships.

·        Dr. Paul Brant and Phillip Yancey collaborate in a book about pain. One of the points the book makes is that we desperately want to view pain as an enemy. So we medicate pains. Whether your pill is chocolate, sex, work, medical, co-dependance, food, entertainment, travel, or whatever, when you view pain as an enemy the cure only lasts a little while. Dr. Brandt (who worked with lepers by the way) writes that pain is not the enemy to avoid. It’s life and it happens with no respect to person or prejudice for a person, but it’s more like a teacher or siren. Pain is our body or mind or soul’s way of letting us know that there’s something not jiving here and the problem needs attention. Lepers (like the ones Mother Theresa and Dr. Brant worked with) lose limbs to gangrene and other illnesses because one of the first things leprosy does is attack the nerves in the extremities. A nail or untreated cut can cause major damage that is unnoticed until it’s too late because the victim felt no pain. Relationships suffer also when pain isn’t addressed. What begins with a slow build up eventually becomes a major problem when we don’t view pain for the disturbing gift that it is and talk.

These are just some of the words of wisdom I have collected for the past 10 years about relationships. The last thing, every relationship is tailor made. It isn’t a carbon cut out of a prior relationship. We are individuals and the mix of you plus one or more is going to be unique because of each individual’s life and contributions and points of view and personalities and talents and histories and….get the picture. Each relationship is unique as each person is unique. It’s true that you probably relate best to a certain type of personality in people, but regardless of how similar in beliefs and temperaments people may be they are never interchangeable. Each is unique and has walked their personal journey. As the poet wrote, “Comparisons are odious!” Let the other you are relating too be an individual. Expect them to allow you to be an individual. It’s your job to maintain and grow as an interesting, unique, vibrant person. They can’t grow for you or with you. Love for who a person is and relish who they are becoming. Sometimes the relishing will take work and back up! But the key to any relationship is what you’re willing to put into it regardless of the cost to you or the worthiness or unworthiness of the other.

           Now, I say again, I SO totally do not have all the answers! In fact, I have tons of questions! Diallo and I are walking Rubick’s Cubes of relational conundrums! We keep each other close at hand because we are very interesting! My best-friends will say the same thing.

Currently reading : Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry By Les and Leslie Parrott

Once upon a time, I found that….
Current mood: blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

            Once upon a time I met some ladies online. I wasn’t expecting friendships of the nature I am blessed with. It just began as conversations and cool photos. I have come to find that they are generous with friendships.

             It has amazed me how they invite me into their world. They email me specific pictures and tell me about thier lives in relation to them. They chat as often as possible about their world and what’s new as if I were a next door neighbor. They never expect me to do the pursuing first. They just walk into my online living rooms and crash on my online sofas, so to speak. They always ask me about my world. They ask for pictures or look them up here. They ask about my family and really listen. They read my spoutings. They encourage and teach me things. They grow me about what I believe and how I think. They don’t mind if we don’t absolutely agree. They are happy when we do agree. They celebrate the little things.

            They are far more consistent about knocking on my virtual door than most folks are my real one! They are giving and forgiving. They are aware of their need of grace and call me to my own since none of us are perfect! They are childlike and simple in a way that a Hershey’s chocolate bar is simple compared to a New Orleans Beignet. They are less complicated in their approach to friendships, I guess. They don’t expect tons but give in generous portions.

            I appreciate the friendship we share very much. So I was thinking about that and answering an email and this is how the thoughts ended up…

What I love about you gals
Is the way you don’t hold back
You love like breathing
You live like loving
You don’t worry that I would hurt you

What I love about you gals
Is the generous way you share
Life and love and what you have
You give like a river flows to the sea
You give like it was mine for the asking
You let me live in your skin without worry about cost

What I love about you gals
Is the way you don’t stop to think
You can’t imagine I wouldn’t be interested
You live as if the big and the little things matter equally
You think that I would find you absolutely fascinating

That’s part of what I love.

Currently listening : On a Clear Night By Missy Higgins Release date: 2008-02-26

Oh, Great! Expectations…
Current mood: curious
Category: Life

Because you’re not what I would have you be

I blind myself to who, in truth, you are.

Seeking mirage where desert blooms, I mar

Your you. Love, I would like to see

Past all delusion to reality.

Then would I see God’s image in your face

His hand in yours, and in your eyes his grace.

Because I’m not what I would have me to be

I idolize two Ones who are not any place,

Not you, not me, and so they never touch.

Reality would burn. I do not like it much.

And yet in you, in me, I find a trace

Of love which struggles to break through

The hidden lovely truth of me, of you. (L’Engle’s The Irrational Season, pg. 54)

            “We have false expectations of our holy days, of our churches, of each other. We have false expectations of our friends. Jesus did not. He had expectations, but they were not false, and when they were not met, he did not fall apart. He was never taken in by golden calves! Friendship not only takes time, it takes a willingness to drop false expectations, of ourselves, of each other. Friends–or lovers–are not always available to each other. Inner turmoils can cause us to be unhearing when someone needs us, to need to receive understanding when we should be giving understanding.”
(Madeleine L’Engle , Penguins and Golden Calves)

It’s a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand. (Madeleine L’Engle, Penguins and Golden Calves)

Currently reading : Glimpses of Grace: Daily Thoughts and Reflections By Madeleine L’engle Release date: 1997-12-29

My love affair with L’Engle works….
Current mood: breezy
Category: Writing and Poetry

Every year about this time I begin my L’Engle revival. I start with skimming my favorite of her ficition books in the morning. I try to devour the parts I’ve marked and review the rest in case there’s something new to love that I missed - there always is. I do it so that I can review in depth Penguins and Golden Calves by Easter and An Irrational Season for Christmas. I have found Glimpses of Grace by Carole Chase extremely helpful for my review of L’Engle quotes. Here are some of my favorites…… What can I say, I love her work.

“To deny friendship is unlove.”
(L’Engle, A House Like a Lotus, 293)

“When we use words to put down, to divide, we are falling into idolatry.”
(L’Engle, Penguins and Golden Calves, 26)

“What I believe is so magnificent, so glorious, that it is beyond finite comprehension. To believe that the universe was created by a purposeful, benign Creator is one thing. To believe that this Creator took on human vesture, accepted death and mortality, was tempted, betrayed, broken, and all for love of us, defies reason. It is so wild that it terrifies some Christians who try to dogmatize their fear by lashing out at other Christians, because tidy Christianity with all answers given is easier than one which reaches out to the wild wonder of God’s love, a love we don’t even have to earn.”
(L’Engle, Penguins and Golden Calves, 31)

Currently reading : Penguins and Golden Calves: Icons and Idols in Antarctica and Other Unexpected Places (Wheaton Literary Series) By Madeleine L’Engle Release date: 2003-02-18

Lyrically Speaking….
Category: Life

So. Here’s what I’m thinking randomly about tonight, lyrically speaking:

“What a lot of fun,
You guys have been real swell,
And there’s not a one
Who can say this ended well.
All those secrets you’ve been concealing
Say you’re happy now,
Once more with feeling…” Whedon, Sweet’s Goodbye, ‘01

“Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
The battle’s done, and we kind of won,
So we sound our victory cheer.
Where do we go from here?
Why is the path unclear
When we know home is near?
Understand we’ll go hand in hand,
But we’ll walk alone in fear.
 Tell me.
Where do we go from here?
When does the end appear?”
Joss Whedon, episode: Once More With Feeling, song: Where Do We Go From Here ,‘ 01

verses

“And the call is to community,
The impoverished power that sets the soul free.
In humility, to take the vow,
that day after day we must take up the basin and the towel.

In any ordinary place,
on any ordinary day,
the parable can live again
when one will kneel and one will yield.

Our Saviour Servant must show us how
through the will of the water
and the tenderness of the towel.

bridge:
And the space between ourselves sometimes
is more than the distance between the stars.
By the fragile bridge of the Servant’s bow
we take up the basin and the towel.” -Michael Card, album Poiema, “The Call Is To Community”, ‘94

coupled with I think,

And I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother’s keeper

Now this roof has got a few missing shingles
But at least we got ourselves a roof
And they say that she’s a fallen angel
I wonder if she recalls when she last flew
There’s no point in pointing fingers
Unless you’re pointing to the truth

And I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother’s keeper

I will be my brother’s keeper
Not the one who judges him
I won’t despise him for his weakness
I won’t regard him for his strength
I won’t take away his freedom
I will help him learn to stand
And I will ~ I will be my brother’s keeper”- Rich Mullins, album Brother’s Keeper, song

Brother’s Keeper, ‘95

To which I would like to quote:

Tell me and I’ll forget. Show me and I’ll remember. Involve me and I’ll understand. - Confucius

The greatest problem in communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished. - George Bernard Shaw

If speaking is silver, then listening is gold. - Turkish Proverb

“Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” Henry David Thoreau

“So, tell me, where do we go from here???????”

A Mythical Jill
Current mood: tired
Category: Writing and Poetry

She fills the pail and scales

The dune to dump grains at the top

The demarcation can’t be seen

What she contributes looks so much like

Every other grain of sand

She descends the slope head over feet

A mythical Jill playing Sisyphus

She rises from the fall

She scoops again and up she goes

From the desert floor where there’s no water

To dump the gains at the top

The demarcation can’t be seen

What she contributes looks so much like

Every other grain of sand

Currently reading : What Is Art? By Leo Tolstoy