Just in today

And

You’d thrill to run me through it

So close to

Keeping my promise

And

Wish you could see it

Isn’t it funny

In a million tiny ways

You

Cross my mind still

Isn’t it funny

In a million tiny ways

You

Still stop my heart

Heard a new joke

Just today

And

I’d love to hear you laughing

Had a discussion

Closed minded people

And

I’d love to hear your perspective

Isn’t it funny

You changed my life

But

You couldn’t say the words

Isn’t it funny how

You are never far

But

I’ll never touch you.

I never touched you.

Isn’t it funny.

It’s been a long time

Since I heard

Your voice

It’s still pealing in my mind’s ear

Things stay the same

Things change just the same

And

You changed me

You are changing me.

I never touched you.

You are changing me.

Isn’t it funny.

“I will always be your friend.”
Means “there’s nothing more”.
“I will never forget”
Means “But I can’t be there for…”

“You’re important”
Means “but this is too.”
I don’t know what you meant by
“I love you.”

“I’ll help with anything you need”
Means “How much should I give”
“You seem so strong”
Means “But that’s not how I can live.”
“Hope you’re doing well”
Means “I’m doing fine.”
I don’t know what you meant by
“I’m glad you’re mine.”

I’m glad that you taught me
How to read between the lines
How else would I know
That “you’ll be just fine”
Really means “good bye”.

“Today was rough”
Means “I’m too tired to deal with you.”
“I’ve got a plate full of my own”
Means “and I can’t take more from you.”
“You have to choose for yourself”
Means “I’m letting go this time”
I don’t know what you meant by
“You’re worth the fight.”
“Everything will be alright”
Or “I’ll hold you tight.”

“I’ll be there for all that you go through.”
And I don’t know what you meant by
“I love you.”

When you curl up under the blankets and

You remember the warmth of my touch

On your heart

I pray you are warmed by the spark.

When night is longer than day again

When you lock yourself tightly away and

You remember where you left your key

In my hand

I pray you feel safe once again.

I was your sun for the long nights

I was the embrace that held you tight

I was the ears that caught every whispered word

And I was the spoken love you never heard.

When the breezes blow crisp and cool again

When the chill burrows deep beneath skin and

You remember my sheltering soul

Covering your shy heart

You’ll know you were loved from the start.

When the music of birds is softer and

When your troubadours migrate south again

Those left gather seeds from your hand

In the cold

May faithful love never grow old

I was your hero for only a moment

I was the rush of adrenaline’s surge

I was a smile that caressed your lips for an instant

I was the spoken love you never heard

You could not receive me

Your heart’s ears scorned the word

I was the spoken love you never heard

       It seems to me sometimes that I have a rare knack for landing in the middle of situations that bring me to this place. No matter how one finds themselves here …. a terminal illness of one you love, a move when you’re ten and you wave to a best-friend as you drive away, a pet runs away, divorce, broken connections of relationships, an unexpected accident or tragedy… I think no matter how you arrive at this place, grief  is never pleasant or easy. Good bye is just not something easy to hear. “The end” rarely felt like

Instead I find that it is constantly more like

No book by Kulber Ross fixes the pain even if it helps us understand it. 

Or according to Changing Minds.org the extended grief cycle sounds like:

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

(http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm)

I’ve read Dr. Paul Brand’s book, The Problem With Pain.  Here are a few quotes thanks to Stauros’ Notebook:

All down the ages people have reacted against victims of leprosy. They have been called “lepers” and turned out of society. The disease has been said to cause rotting away of tissues and fingers falling off. Now that we understand the disease a little better we know that most of these problems are not due to the germs of leprosy. The germs simply destroy the nerves of pain. Once pain is gone, patients destroy themselves.

Pain Frees

It is pain that allows me to be free. When I started to study medicine I would probably have said that my purpose was to relieve pain and suffering and to save lives. Today after a lifetime of treating those in pain and those without pain I would say that my purpose is to relieve suffering and to improve the quality of life. The main difference is that then I thought of pain as an enemy, while today I think of it as a help, indeed as an important element in the prevention of suffering.

How often I have heard people complain about God when they have pain. They do not blame God for giving us a signal that tells of disease or injury, but why make it so unpleasant and why not make it easy to switch off? Now I know why. Today there are ways to switch off pain. Pain killing drugs quickly become addictive because the addict seems to be living in a problem free and pain free world. We are seeing more and more of the results of this in our hospitals.

Easing Pain

Even when we know that pain is good and beautifully designed, we still have to face the problem that it some times goes on hurting even when we are doing all we can to get better. When we are busy even severe pain may pass unnoticed. There seems to be a gate – a sort of bottleneck -which limits the number of impulses of all kinds that can get across from the body to the brain. I remember in World War II how soldiers who had been severely injured would tell of how they lifted their helpless buddies and run to safety on legs. They said they scarcely felt the pain. Later, in the silence of the hospital ward those same soldiers would cry out from the pain of the hourly injections. When we understood the role of activity, we can often make pain very much more tolerable simply by keeping busy and active, and especially by giving all our sensory nerves a lot of sensations to carry.

Mind-Pain

Whereas pain, when it comes from in the body, is usually quite precise and quantitative in relation to its cause, when it gets up to the conscious mind its significance varies enormously according to how it is interpreted. Fear multiplies pain. A sense of helplessness multiplies pain.

Confidence diminishes pain. The realization by the patient he can do something also helps to minimize the pain.

How to Master

In ancient civilizations and cultures of India and to Southeast Asia where pain and hunger, disease and death, have been for centuries a part of every day life and where easy relief of pain by medication has not been available the people have developed a realistic attitude towards pain. The personal mastery of pain has become an important part of yoga and other forms of discipline. In the West we have come to think of pain as an unwarranted intrusion into our lives. Above all we have come to think of it as something that should be immediately suppressed. The whole thrust of television advertising repeatedly asks only one question about pain. How quickly can it be relieved. Product A relieves it 20 seconds faster than Product B. There is no hint that before the pain is relieved it should be understood and its message should be listened to.

Pain as Friend

Athletes are perhaps the only segment of our society who study pain and who deliberately impose stresses upon themselves. They rejoice in the fine interplay between stress and pain and exhilaration. If they achieve mastery over their own body, pain is no longer an enemy, but a valued friend. I believe that all of us, early in life, should deliberately cultivate the same attitude toward pain. It is not an enemy from outside, it is part of ourselves communicating with ourselves, it is expressing a need, it is explaining a condition, it is identifying a need for help.

(http://www.stauros.org/notebooks/v01n4a01.html)

       I deeply respect Dr. Kubler Ross’s information. I’ve observed and experienced the stages. Mentally I can agree with the research. And I can mentally grasp Dr. Brand’s logic. I can mentally accept pain as a friend or messenger. I can agree with my head that pain is purposeful and wise men listen to it. But to my heart and head it still feels like

“All we can do is keep breathing…” -Ingrid Michaelson

“Use the stars…

Shiny gold ones, foiled and glinting with sunlight

Chart them row by row.

Measure what is right, what works.

Use the golden stars.”

And so I measured out handfuls of stars.

I charted them row by row.

I measured them, glinting and shiny…

Like hope.

It worked well.

My star, I hitched my wagon to

Like Emerson said to

Golden shining, reflecting sunlight

I swore I saw a flashing and a dartling blue

Joy dancing and hope shimmering

In the flashing darling  blue

High and unattainable

Like Browning’s I suppose…

Much like Browning,

I do not regret that others’ stars are their world

But I do wonder…

Did my star ever really open its soul to me?

But Mr. Browning… I too love it.

——————————————————————————————–

My Star – Robert Browning

All, that I know
Of a certain star
Is, it can throw
(Like the angled spar)
Now a dart of red,
Now a dart of blue
Till my friends have said
They would fain see, too,
My star that dartles the red and the blue!
Then it stops like a bird; like a flower, hangs furled:
They must solace themselves with the Saturn above it.
What matter to me if their star is a world?
Mine has opened its soul to me; therefore I love it.

I turned on my FM station
I was hoping to numb my mind
Lately when I find it racing
It returns to you each time.

I keep running, I keep moving,
But I’m just stuck looking back
Over my left shoulder
Longing for what I cannot have

When I run out of steam and air
I lay back beneath the trees
Looking up through the branches
The blue covers me

Blue is calling out to me.

——————————————————————————————————-

Brandi Carlile and Amy Ray do an incredible duet. I love this music.

When the storm hit

When it was icy

When the rain fell

When I froze inside

Where were you

Say, lady blue

When the music stopped

When all ears went deaf

When silence surrounded

When I cried out mutely

Where were you

Say, lady blue

When those most loyal

Gathered and rallied

Gathered shattered pieces

Mending my wings

When they lifted me skyward…

Say, lady blue

When I was blue… the bluest blue

When I needed you

….silence…

Lady blue, where were you

Brave doesn’t mean unafraid. It means moving forward the best we can in the face of our fears. Sometimes it’s just time to move. There is no option. It might lead to a really incredibly horrible season. But life is made up of seasons. One leads to the next I think.

When it’s done,
There will be no back road,
There is no trap door,
No hiding place
All cards facing up,
No poker faces,
No hidden traces,
No secret stash

When it’s done,
There will be wounds made
There will be tears shed
No turning away
Face the music
Pay the piper
No cheaper seats

When it’s done,
There will be you.
There will be me
No more we.
No more back up
No more rescues
Lonesomeness you can’t fathom

When it’s done,
There will be no back road,
There is no trap door,
No hiding place
All cards facing up,
No poker faces,
No us,
Just you and me,
No we.
When it’s done.

     Today my princess, dressed in her finest, went to her school’s “Fairy Tale Ball”. She danced with Pinochio. She had cupcakes, cookies, and punch. She rubbed elbows with other royalty, magical people, and even a few villians. There were a number of Peter Pans, Pirates, Princes, Princesses, Dorthys, various Disney Princesses, the Red Queen and Mad Hatter, Johnny Apple Seeds, Paul Bunyans, Pecos Bills, the Tin Man, Captain Hook, and more.

     Abbey’s first choice was “Elphaba”. And really who could blame her! Elphie is different. Elphie was misunderstood. Elphie had a passion for justice and saving the oppressed. Elphie was the underdog. Elphie was brilliant. And she could sing! Abbey related to the emotions Elphaba experienced and her need to be accepted and wanted. I loved the idea. However, in a small town Abbey and I were afraid that all that anyone would see would be Margaret Hamilton’s version not Idina Menzel’s.

So finally for many of the same reasons, Abbey chose to be Disney’s Beauty and the Beast’s “Belle”. After all “Belle” saved her Prince instead of waiting around to be saved! I was thrilled with her logic. (Belle is my favorite Disney Princess too unless you count Gisell.)

    My girl is quiet by nature. She isn’t flamboyant or flashy. She is lovely and very tender hearted. She was a bit nervous and a little self concious about it all. But I applied make-up, shined up her tiara, and she shone. She is a royalty to me. I am very proud of her. She isn’t the ham her big brother is. She is more meditative and thoughtful. She doesn’t need or want a crowd like Mat and I, but her soothing spirit often heals people one on one. You feel at peace around Abbey. Everyone is welcome in her circle. She is a realist. She is honest. She is growing.

     She had fun I think. She danced her final dance with me. And I all I could think was: