It seems to me sometimes that I have a rare knack for landing in the middle of situations that bring me to this place. No matter how one finds themselves here …. a terminal illness of one you love, a move when you’re ten and you wave to a best-friend as you drive away, a pet runs away, divorce, broken connections of relationships, an unexpected accident or tragedy… I think no matter how you arrive at this place, grief  is never pleasant or easy. Good bye is just not something easy to hear. “The end” rarely felt like

Instead I find that it is constantly more like

No book by Kulber Ross fixes the pain even if it helps us understand it. 

Or according to Changing Minds.org the extended grief cycle sounds like:

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

(http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm)

I’ve read Dr. Paul Brand’s book, The Problem With Pain.  Here are a few quotes thanks to Stauros’ Notebook:

All down the ages people have reacted against victims of leprosy. They have been called “lepers” and turned out of society. The disease has been said to cause rotting away of tissues and fingers falling off. Now that we understand the disease a little better we know that most of these problems are not due to the germs of leprosy. The germs simply destroy the nerves of pain. Once pain is gone, patients destroy themselves.

Pain Frees

It is pain that allows me to be free. When I started to study medicine I would probably have said that my purpose was to relieve pain and suffering and to save lives. Today after a lifetime of treating those in pain and those without pain I would say that my purpose is to relieve suffering and to improve the quality of life. The main difference is that then I thought of pain as an enemy, while today I think of it as a help, indeed as an important element in the prevention of suffering.

How often I have heard people complain about God when they have pain. They do not blame God for giving us a signal that tells of disease or injury, but why make it so unpleasant and why not make it easy to switch off? Now I know why. Today there are ways to switch off pain. Pain killing drugs quickly become addictive because the addict seems to be living in a problem free and pain free world. We are seeing more and more of the results of this in our hospitals.

Easing Pain

Even when we know that pain is good and beautifully designed, we still have to face the problem that it some times goes on hurting even when we are doing all we can to get better. When we are busy even severe pain may pass unnoticed. There seems to be a gate – a sort of bottleneck -which limits the number of impulses of all kinds that can get across from the body to the brain. I remember in World War II how soldiers who had been severely injured would tell of how they lifted their helpless buddies and run to safety on legs. They said they scarcely felt the pain. Later, in the silence of the hospital ward those same soldiers would cry out from the pain of the hourly injections. When we understood the role of activity, we can often make pain very much more tolerable simply by keeping busy and active, and especially by giving all our sensory nerves a lot of sensations to carry.

Mind-Pain

Whereas pain, when it comes from in the body, is usually quite precise and quantitative in relation to its cause, when it gets up to the conscious mind its significance varies enormously according to how it is interpreted. Fear multiplies pain. A sense of helplessness multiplies pain.

Confidence diminishes pain. The realization by the patient he can do something also helps to minimize the pain.

How to Master

In ancient civilizations and cultures of India and to Southeast Asia where pain and hunger, disease and death, have been for centuries a part of every day life and where easy relief of pain by medication has not been available the people have developed a realistic attitude towards pain. The personal mastery of pain has become an important part of yoga and other forms of discipline. In the West we have come to think of pain as an unwarranted intrusion into our lives. Above all we have come to think of it as something that should be immediately suppressed. The whole thrust of television advertising repeatedly asks only one question about pain. How quickly can it be relieved. Product A relieves it 20 seconds faster than Product B. There is no hint that before the pain is relieved it should be understood and its message should be listened to.

Pain as Friend

Athletes are perhaps the only segment of our society who study pain and who deliberately impose stresses upon themselves. They rejoice in the fine interplay between stress and pain and exhilaration. If they achieve mastery over their own body, pain is no longer an enemy, but a valued friend. I believe that all of us, early in life, should deliberately cultivate the same attitude toward pain. It is not an enemy from outside, it is part of ourselves communicating with ourselves, it is expressing a need, it is explaining a condition, it is identifying a need for help.

(http://www.stauros.org/notebooks/v01n4a01.html)

       I deeply respect Dr. Kubler Ross’s information. I’ve observed and experienced the stages. Mentally I can agree with the research. And I can mentally grasp Dr. Brand’s logic. I can mentally accept pain as a friend or messenger. I can agree with my head that pain is purposeful and wise men listen to it. But to my heart and head it still feels like

“All we can do is keep breathing…” -Ingrid Michaelson

     Today my princess, dressed in her finest, went to her school’s “Fairy Tale Ball”. She danced with Pinochio. She had cupcakes, cookies, and punch. She rubbed elbows with other royalty, magical people, and even a few villians. There were a number of Peter Pans, Pirates, Princes, Princesses, Dorthys, various Disney Princesses, the Red Queen and Mad Hatter, Johnny Apple Seeds, Paul Bunyans, Pecos Bills, the Tin Man, Captain Hook, and more.

     Abbey’s first choice was “Elphaba”. And really who could blame her! Elphie is different. Elphie was misunderstood. Elphie had a passion for justice and saving the oppressed. Elphie was the underdog. Elphie was brilliant. And she could sing! Abbey related to the emotions Elphaba experienced and her need to be accepted and wanted. I loved the idea. However, in a small town Abbey and I were afraid that all that anyone would see would be Margaret Hamilton’s version not Idina Menzel’s.

So finally for many of the same reasons, Abbey chose to be Disney’s Beauty and the Beast’s “Belle”. After all “Belle” saved her Prince instead of waiting around to be saved! I was thrilled with her logic. (Belle is my favorite Disney Princess too unless you count Gisell.)

    My girl is quiet by nature. She isn’t flamboyant or flashy. She is lovely and very tender hearted. She was a bit nervous and a little self concious about it all. But I applied make-up, shined up her tiara, and she shone. She is a royalty to me. I am very proud of her. She isn’t the ham her big brother is. She is more meditative and thoughtful. She doesn’t need or want a crowd like Mat and I, but her soothing spirit often heals people one on one. You feel at peace around Abbey. Everyone is welcome in her circle. She is a realist. She is honest. She is growing.

     She had fun I think. She danced her final dance with me. And I all I could think was:

     I will never forget watching my Afro-American friends style their hair in the dorms in the mornings. It was new to me and they were lovely. I listened to people of various faiths discuss truths that I was lead to believe only were true for those “like me”.  Through Ms. Boone, I was introduced to St. Exupery’s The Little Prince there. The fox’s part of the story has become my definition for building and maintaining relationships. It is a very deep part of me. From Ms. Rochelle I learned to grieve and love well. A life skill I needed with my dad. I have never forgotten her drawing a butterfly on a flip chart and writing, “”Death belongs to life as birth does” beneath it. It was years later that I could find the entire quote and author:

 ”Death belongs to life as birth does
The walk is in the raising of the
foot as in the laying of it down”
— Rabindranath Tagore (Stray Birds)

I’ve come to love that also. From Ms. Smith, I learned to play. “Gorilla, Man, Gun” ( http://www.angelfire.com/ca4/SnugglyBug/games/gorrillamangun.html ) or the infamous “Chubby Bunny.” An example (can be gross so not for the weak of stomach):

     I was talking with some friends of mine today… And remembering a very “happy me”. These ladies invested in me. I wish I could say the return on their investment is huge. They believed in me. I wish I could say it was warrented. But I will say, I am grateful. I will say my story isn’t finished yet. They showed me a bigger world than I could have ever imagined. They began opening the door and windows in the house of my heart to allow fresh air to stream through. My beliefs and heart are larger thanks to them. There are friends I have now that I would never have been open to have without their touch on my life.

     One of the songs I remember hearing that year at camp has stayed with me:

I am richer for these ladies and the other students who gave of their time, attention, and love in my life. Thank you for your part in showing me the way.

I am trying to explain
Wringing my hands, prying at words
Dislodging those that are stuck

I know she is listening
I know it by the glistening
Light there that is shining
In her eyes

“I can’t remember a time,”
I say as I squeeze her hand
She narrows her eyes in pain

“When we were not friends.”
I finish coming up for air
Our tear drops fall like rain

She scuffs her toe in the grass
Kicking at emotions
Dislodging those that are stuck

I feel her squeeze my hand
There are more words in that moment
Than in any full of voice.

She knows I am listening
Beyond the ‘seen’ bright and glistening
To the Light there that is shining
In her eyes.

“There will never be a time,”
She says breathing so deep
Her words falling soft as snow

“When we are not friends”
There is bedrock, a touch stone…wait
“I just don’t know this you.”

     When Guiding Light was canceled, I was in awe. For those who know me well, that I fell for a soap opera probably is flabbergasting. But I did. From March 11, 2009 to Sept. 18, 2009, I watched regularly. I even pulled up many episodes of certain storylines that captured my imagination as well. So I put a four year investment into that time span!

      Not just the show spurred me to watch. The online fan community literally captivated me as well. Men (yes, some incredible brave men) and women gathered to do play by plays of the episodes, talked through storyline knots, give history, review how it paralleled or diverged from modern pop culture, media and technology, jokes and fun, or just discuss acting and theater every weekday. What amazed me the most, they also discussed their lives. And I was blessed and touched beyond words. I grew.

    People were open and honest. You were able to hear about family, pets, travel, college, politics, current news, lifestyles, religion, history, art, literature, and more. People encouraged each other, pushed each other to be stronger or better, share wounds, share healing, pray with each other, think out loud, know what you believe… and more. There were births, marriages, dating, and losses just like any other community I have ever known. And I stood awestruck and inspired.

     I haven’t been as ‘invested’ as long as others have. I don’t speak of me much; I encourage, listen, and learn. What I’ve learned looks a lot like love to me.

     This week there was a deep loss of a beautiful lady, Cathie. She has been connected to some who gather on the board for almost fourteen years (that I’m aware of at the moment). That is a long time to walk along side people loving them and sharing. The community is grieving. Her family is grieving. We pray for their healing now.

     I’ve watched this community “light candles” virtually in her honor, send words of encouragement, prayers, online ((hugs)), and support in any way possible. She made an impact in the lives of many people literally around the globe by sharing her heart, life, talents, and passions. Cathie, I’ve heard, over and over again was a generous gentle gorgeous soul. The community will miss her very deeply. We are so grateful that her family would share her with us. Being a mother and having lost a father, I grieve along side her children.

     When I woke this morning and learned of her loss, I was reminded of a poem by Madeleine L’Engle that comforted me when I lost my father.

                        The earth will never be the same again.

                        Rock, water, tree, iron share this grief

                        As distant stars participate in pain.

                        A candle snuffed, a falling star or leaf,

                        A dolphin death, O this particular loss

                        Is Heaven- mourned; for if no angel cried,

                        If this small one was tossed away as dross,

                        The very galaxies then would have lied.

                        How shall we enter out love’s song now

                        In this strange land where all are born to die?

                        Each tree and leaf and star show how

                        The universe is part of this one cry,

                        That every life is noted and  is cherished

                        And nothing loved is ever lost or perished.

(Madeleine L’Engle, A Ring of Endless Light, Laurel-Leaf Books, 1980)

I don’t often repost someone else’s articles, but this article intrigued me. So I’m sharing it for all moms who surf, blog, tweet, Facebook it, myspace it, or in general use the web to stay connected or get connected. The web community is amazing because of it’s access to so many globally. If you’ve wondered why you connect with joansmith@somewhereincyberspace.org better than just about anyone in your real life that you know… well…. you might not be so alone.

http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Increasingly-Isolated-Moms-bw-510302110.html?x=0&.v=1

     Lauren Myracle wrote a book about 5th graders. She included some characters that some would consider to be controversal.  Scholastics publishers (whom I have greatly respected in the past) intially planned to pull the book because of these characters and some slang.

       Here are the links with details:

http://thinkprogress.org/2009/10/28/scholastic-book-lgbt/

http://onourmindsatscholastic.blogspot.com/2009/10/news-regarding-lauren-myracles-luv-ya.html

http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/scholastic_reverses_decision_to_exclude_gay_friendly_book_from_fairs

http://www.schoollibraryjournal.com/index.asp?layout=talkbackCommentsFull&talk_back_header_id=6630620&articleid=CA6703349

http://www.abramsbooks.com/luvyabunches/code/index1.html

http://laurenmyracle.com/blog.html

The author is a NYTimes best seller. I know a great deal of the heat about this book lies in the lesbian parents of Camilla. However, I find it interesting in our day and time that there is little ado made about the book also including a Muslim child wearing a hija. Or how rare it is to have seen a healthy balanced child is being raised by a single father. The websites I listed include articles from the author and notes about the book.

       What I don’t know about writing, editing, and publishing could fill a library. I’m just starting out pursuing this career. I think what we don’t hear about what makes it into the public’s hands matters. Behind the scenes sometimes should be brought out into the light and we should be accountable for our beliefs and how we treat each other. Diversity and the issues surrounding it aren’t going away. If you read, view, or listen to the news at all, you are aware that the LGBT community is rising up on a regular basis and their voices are strong. How we show each other that we care matters.

       All I’m asking is that we be educated and open minded people who pay attention to others around us. That there be an air of compassion and love with each other. You cannot grow or learn if you’re afraid to listen well. Think a bit. If one person’s lifestyle can be censured in a book, anyone’s lifestyle can be censured as soon as it doesn’t fit the moral majority of the time. So we want so badly for our voices to be heard above others that we close our hearts and minds so we can shout above the din? Am I so insecure in what I believe that I can’t be open to even hear what someone else thinks or believes? I’m not saying that we should be so open minded that our brains fall out and we believe anything fed to us, on the contrary I’m saying know what you believe and what others believe so you can respectfully and compassionately dialogue if the chance arises in such a manner that all in the relationship are blessed. Listen well. Be educated. Be open. Love well.

       Dig to find out what you don’t hear about what you read.

I can’t remember what broke your heart

I just remember the way you felt in my arms

I held you close, squeezed your hands with mine

I was a good distraction at the time…

There have been moments we laughed till we cried

Joy bubbling over from all the happiness inside

I was caught up in the glow as you smiled

I was a good distraction at the time…

Sometimes you were angry with nowhere to hide

I could just listen as tears would silently slide.

I let you rant and watched the pain subside

I was a good distraction at the time….

One of lost our way from time to time

I knew I had no real road map inside

In the dark, hand in hand, but always side by side

I was a good distraction at the time….

I can’t remember why we chose not to be there

I just remember the way that you cared.

Whatever we cut, your meeting or mine

I was a good distraction at the time…

I was a good distraction… for a time.

As Advertised

Dragging in like a cat caught in the rain

It’s not hard to read your face

I can see through the weariness and pain

Don’t you know, haven’t you heard of grace

You resist like a toddler at a nap

You fight the urge to just lay it down

You’re so sure that I feel “had”

You keep your eyes glued to the ground

It’s not as if, you false advertised

The product came as described.

You should know that in spite of time

I’ll take the whole as advertised.

Running hard like a hunting hound

My heart pounding like a drum

You’re so close, just lay it down

I can see where you’re coming from.

Still you fight like a bantam weight

With all your might, you keep your pace

Don’t you know, haven’t you heard of grace

Come back home, you know the place.

It’s not as if, you false advertised

The product came as described.

I love you so, take your time

I’ll take the whole as advertised.

Living on the edge

They don’t get how a big deal it is

That she believes they’re real

They won’t say a thing

She cries out to all who wander past

She cries how great they are

She is the loudest fan

She’s living on the edge

They don’t even know her name

But she’s so glad she came

She loves them just the same.

They’re just rubbing elbows; trading names

They’re building their own world

They claim inclusion first

She is constantly the last one picked

She still gives her all

She smiles at everyone

She’s living on the edge

They don’t even know her name

But she’s so glad she came

She loves them just the same.

They link arms and stand as one great force

She’s looking for her spot to claim.

She’s so glad she came.

She’s family just the same.