It’s too much but not enough thin

It’s rushing about all frantic while sitting absolutely still

It’s greeting guests who haven’t shown up you

It’s a ravaging bloated too full devouring starvation

It’s too hot while being all clammy dry damp with cold

It’s a pressure cooker of wide open spaces

“You are just fine. You have what you need. It just takes a little time.

There are those so much worse off than you are. You’re doing just fine.

No one thinks you aren’t trying.”

I know. I know. I know.

It’s a squirming. It’s adjusting a too tight collar. It’s a frantic screaming silence.

It’s just fine. It’s just fine. It’s just fine. It’s just fine.

I have stopped watching for details dropped
I would love to say that I am not still waiting
But I have never lied well

Funny how a certain letter, a specific color, a taste
Some random joke, a song bird, rain on a pane
Bring memories still.

You know, some dreams haunt
I still harbor certain fantasies
I still often wonder.

This Galatea had less impact on Pygmalion
Dreaming was no cupid, no breath of life
Flesh can be stone heavy.

Stone is better for this work.
Perhaps it was wise of you to leave
Me marble hard and ice cold.

Rebuilding requires materials.
Rebuilding demands icy reserves.
Flesh is weak even if the spirit is willing.

I understand that you scream in silences
That deafens even marble ears, Pygmalion.
No letter, bird, or color speaks clearer.

Still it is easier for me on cloudy days.
It is easier for me in silent winter, birdless.
Believe it or not marble bleeds and breathes.

Rebuilding will result in beauty.
Marble begets marble…less destructible.
Stronger if colder, harder, and older.

When …if …you visit your garden
Come see wisteria and morning glory
Life flourishing around marble.

I write.
I tear it up.
I break down.
I get tough.
I do all the little things
That make us alive…
Everyone says
Move on with life.

When no one’s looking
When no one’s around
I’m so surrounded by blue
I could almost drown
What the hell do they know?
They can’t see
The blues that just keeps haunting me.

I wake up.
I sleep.
I walk and
I eat.
I do all the little things
That helps to cope with regret.
Still no matter what they say
There are moments I can’t forget.

I do all the little things
That keeps me alive…
Everyone says
I’m doing fine.

I suppose that is what hurts the most

Not “with” but “for” and you couldn’t do it

So I am left with this ghost

I was warm to come home to

There were new things to learn from me every day

It didn’t hurt that I worshipped the ground that you stood on

That I would throw whole self into the fray

But you held back just enough

I suppose that is what hurts the most

Not “all”, but “some”; you couldn’t do it

So I am left with this ghost

I was open; I was so wide open

You build a castle in the clouds and I believed it

You changed the morals and the rules to suit the moment

I was confused watching you pulling back bit by bit

But you set standards tailored to restrain

I suppose that is what hurts the most

“Today it’s like this but not tomorrow”, no guarantees

So I am left with this ghost.

Now the sky is so dark, limitless, expansive
It’s beautiful and frightening to see so much room

So much unknown sprawling out now over my head
Where I once saw pictures and adventures

I just see too much.

I use to believe that space was to be fought for
Once upon a time was so possible with hard work

Now it’s as if I’m a newborn; flailing limbs
So much room now after birth, so much air, too much

And the unknown is just a vacuum, cosmic and extensive
Where I once dreamed of grand adventures, of drinking deeply

I just see too much.

And as much as I miss them twinkling, glinting
As much as they are wanted it would seem that

There are no more stars out.

When the storm hit

When it was icy

When the rain fell

When I froze inside

Where were you

Say, lady blue

When the music stopped

When all ears went deaf

When silence surrounded

When I cried out mutely

Where were you

Say, lady blue

When those most loyal

Gathered and rallied

Gathered shattered pieces

Mending my wings

When they lifted me skyward…

Say, lady blue

When I was blue… the bluest blue

When I needed you

….silence…

Lady blue, where were you

We were young and dreaming

All of us

We were all for believing

The best was yet to come

We would have a home

A place to belong…

Then you were gone

A decade late

Now you show concern

You mean well

You share the lessons you have learned

You “protect”

But I’m outside your reach

Broken trust…

Now I’m not the one you seek

Promises made

We were young and dreaming

Just we two

I was for trying and believing

I called out loud

The deafening silence screamed

You weren’t listening to me.

A decade late

Now silence fills your ears

Unbroken by

Our laughter or our tears

You reach out

It’s a void that’s debilitating

But you weren’t there…

Now I’m not the one you seek.

Fairy tales

Flooded with “Happily Ever Afters”

Full of peace

Being wanted and joyous laughter

Even if there were tears and sorrow

There was together…so I believed

But they were just words

And now they have helped create this “me”.

Decades later

I am the wicked witch

The one who only looks out

For me and my own “itch”

I am the one who protects “mine and me”

And I feel your shock and awe

Because I’m not the one you seek.

For so long you let your silence speak

Now I’m not the one you seek.

"Are people born Wicked? Or do they have" - Galinda

Humpty Dumpty nursery rhymes
Music is a friend of mine
Gentle with someone who’s small
For someone tiny she stands so tall

She is brilliant to me
I don’t know if I’ve ever told her
I know I’ve never told her enough

Teaching me in Sunday school
Living out the golden rule
Holding tight while letting go
One of the strongest ladies I know

I am becoming more like her
I don’t know if I’ve ever told her.
I’ve never thanked her enough.

He called me Lilith

Though there were no others like me

Why names

Why labels if we stood alone

He knew me as well as he could

He knew with a piercing, penetrating

This Adam

This first pain and pleasure

He reminded me of the purpose

We were to create.

Must multiply

I could not reproduce more like him

He knew me too

With wings he whispered “Lilith”

Why whispers

Why whispers if we stood alone

He led me away, this Samael.

I longed to create

Love’s nature

Love creates, love multiplies

He made me, his Lilith

He created a hunger in me that cannot be quenched

Creator’s created

He above all should know my yearning

He(s) no more, no more!

If He(s) fails me perhaps Her!

Perhaps love

Perhaps that is what I longed to create after all- love. 

To see info on who Lilith is go to: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith or http://www.unicorngarden.com/bkshe4.htm

I am trying to explain
Wringing my hands, prying at words
Dislodging those that are stuck

I know she is listening
I know it by the glistening
Light there that is shining
In her eyes

“I can’t remember a time,”
I say as I squeeze her hand
She narrows her eyes in pain

“When we were not friends.”
I finish coming up for air
Our tear drops fall like rain

She scuffs her toe in the grass
Kicking at emotions
Dislodging those that are stuck

I feel her squeeze my hand
There are more words in that moment
Than in any full of voice.

She knows I am listening
Beyond the ‘seen’ bright and glistening
To the Light there that is shining
In her eyes.

“There will never be a time,”
She says breathing so deep
Her words falling soft as snow

“When we are not friends”
There is bedrock, a touch stone…wait
“I just don’t know this you.”