Dreaming of Silver Roses

Say what? Advice about what?
Current mood: animated
Category: Life

            A dear friend emailed me today to ask me what council I would give in a class for engaged couples. I had to think for a moment and remember where I was at that time and look from that spot to where I am now – ten years later. I am sighing right now at the weariness of the journey. I am smiling at the memories that we’ve made along the way. I am tearing up at the regrets we’ve acquired. I wouldn’t be a genuine human being if I didn’t admit that there have been both.

My initial reaction to the question was that I am highly under qualified to give any one in that fragile, ecstatic, (though justifiable) often focused on “just the two” phase of life. It is a space that is sacred – for any relationship of any kind from pet to parent from lovers to friends from forever to just the next six months. At the beginning is a sacred space. The realization that you are willing to participate in creating a new connection with another life is a sacred space.

            Isn’t marriage the pinnacle of those connections? Isn’t choosing a life partner the ultimate in big decisions? Is it a big decision – to quote Tina Fey as Senator Palin, “You betcha”. Is it “the” big decision? Well, I think one of the reasons we so often mishandle this decision is the weight we place on it. Little girls play with wedding day Barbie and Sleeping Beauty’s Enchanted castle, little boys play white knights with their princesses to rescue and run like the wind from playing house, movies are made year after year about pairing up and pairing off. It looks like it should be “the” thing. It looks like it should be “the” determining factor in our happy gauge. I think everyone should weigh the seriousness of the decision for themselves. I think too much of an emphasis causes issues beyond imagination and not enough and you get a different assortment of psychoses. So I am not going there.

            I gave my friend a list of topics I thought were relevant to discuss from “marrying someone you are friends with” to “active listening skills” to “how to fight fairly” to “learn how to brainstorm dating ideas at the stage of engaged couple, newly weds, new parents, and older marrieds”, “forgiveness” and a few others.

            What are some words of wisdom I remember when I contemplate where I am now?

·        Elizabeth Elliot once wrote, “You marry a sinner. There is no one else.” That quote had gotten a lot of mileage in my married life. For Diallo and for me. (I would also say that you give birth to sinners.)  If you can accept in the beginning of any new relationship that there are born into it imperfections (and fair or not that’s life) then you don’t expect the impossible and you won’t crater when you can’t give the impossible.

·        Ken Gire writes that every person living and breathing is sacred. Every moment is potentially a sacred moment. If you can accept that then you will life with gratitude toward life all around you. You will see the value inherent in the other in your relationships. Life is no accident. No one can reproduce. There is something amazing in each life you witness. Recognizing life’s sacredness creates a sense of wonder and gratitude that will enrich your relationships.

·        Dr. Paul Brant and Phillip Yancey collaborate in a book about pain. One of the points the book makes is that we desperately want to view pain as an enemy. So we medicate pains. Whether your pill is chocolate, sex, work, medical, co-dependance, food, entertainment, travel, or whatever, when you view pain as an enemy the cure only lasts a little while. Dr. Brandt (who worked with lepers by the way) writes that pain is not the enemy to avoid. It’s life and it happens with no respect to person or prejudice for a person, but it’s more like a teacher or siren. Pain is our body or mind or soul’s way of letting us know that there’s something not jiving here and the problem needs attention. Lepers (like the ones Mother Theresa and Dr. Brant worked with) lose limbs to gangrene and other illnesses because one of the first things leprosy does is attack the nerves in the extremities. A nail or untreated cut can cause major damage that is unnoticed until it’s too late because the victim felt no pain. Relationships suffer also when pain isn’t addressed. What begins with a slow build up eventually becomes a major problem when we don’t view pain for the disturbing gift that it is and talk.

These are just some of the words of wisdom I have collected for the past 10 years about relationships. The last thing, every relationship is tailor made. It isn’t a carbon cut out of a prior relationship. We are individuals and the mix of you plus one or more is going to be unique because of each individual’s life and contributions and points of view and personalities and talents and histories and….get the picture. Each relationship is unique as each person is unique. It’s true that you probably relate best to a certain type of personality in people, but regardless of how similar in beliefs and temperaments people may be they are never interchangeable. Each is unique and has walked their personal journey. As the poet wrote, “Comparisons are odious!” Let the other you are relating too be an individual. Expect them to allow you to be an individual. It’s your job to maintain and grow as an interesting, unique, vibrant person. They can’t grow for you or with you. Love for who a person is and relish who they are becoming. Sometimes the relishing will take work and back up! But the key to any relationship is what you’re willing to put into it regardless of the cost to you or the worthiness or unworthiness of the other.

           Now, I say again, I SO totally do not have all the answers! In fact, I have tons of questions! Diallo and I are walking Rubick’s Cubes of relational conundrums! We keep each other close at hand because we are very interesting! My best-friends will say the same thing.

Currently reading : Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry By Les and Leslie Parrott