Dreaming of Silver Roses

It is so easy to get side tracked… or in my world side swiped… when it comes to living the dream. Almost a year ago someone blogged the question “What do you dream about?” not meaning your downloading process during REM but what fires you. What drives you. What arrests your attention and when you are doing it you’re just lost in it totally. What is your “Raison d’etre” - “reason for existing”.

Just when I think I found it, I get busy on so many levels. I picked up a little more responsibility and a few distracting addictions. Nothing life threatening, just some time killers. A few methods of unwinding that slowly eat up productivity. So then I move myself to cut a few distractions free… so I can add on a few more responsibilities… so I need distractions to unwind… so I freak and try to be more responsible. Vicious cycle. And I am entirely April about it all. My motto is always, “if a little dab ‘ll do ya then a whole lot will rock your world” or better known as “why settle for bacon when you can go whole hog”. I am OCD at times and can be slightly a perfectionist.

The combo of those two life views crashing into each other makes for some pretty wild fear factors. “What if I’m not good enough?” “What if it’s pointless to try?” “What if what I do doesn’t amount to anything after all the effort?” “What if I can’t keep up the pace and produce?” “What if I am misunderstood?” “What if my family suffers for my aggressive pursuit of my dream?” And the coup de grace…”What if what I want to do doesn’t make everyone else happy?”

Really, the motivating force of much of the world according to April is, will this make those around me happy, comfortable, at peace so that they won’t leave me and I won’t be alone. That is the basic fear of all fears for me. Don’t fail so there’s no reason for folks to bail. Don’t mess up because the world abandons the weak and wounded. Survial of fittest, it’s more than Spencer’s defining scientific metaphor; it’s how the world turns.

In my world view I have come to see that I believe deep down that failure or even the appearance of failure is a sure fired way to find out who your loved ones and friends are. For reasons so petrifying I can’t voice or type them, it terrifies and freezes me in my tracks to think of any form of failure of mine hitting the news presses of life. So what do you do when you are totally human and that means destined to make a mistake of some sort? STAND REALLY STILL. Do nothing. I use to think that kept you safe. I believed that it would protect me from failure. No forward motion and brace against backward motion.

The trouble is, when you’re standing still and the world around you is moving forward… it is still as if you are rolling backwards down an incline. Change is inevitable. Life is like a shark always moving forward otherwise it will sink. If all is moving forward and you are standing still then you are left behind … which is the same as moving backward… which is the same as being abandoned and alone. -sigh-

I am supposed to write every day. A writer writes. But to paraphrase a great man I once heard speak, the most audacious act of any artist is signing their name to their work. Claiming responsibility for the development of what you helped to create is terrifying (ask any parent).

So here I stand. And in my head I am replaying scenes from “What About Bob “.

Set small reasonable steps. Bite sized managable goals. Baby steps……

Filed under: life on November 6th, 2008