Dreaming of Silver Roses

It’s in the middle of supper prep. I am scrambling from pot to pot. I am thinking of a thousand household chores I have to get done. I am watching the dog so that no accidents happen on the floor because the weather has been cold and rainy. I am thinking of a ton of ideas for writing. I am focused all over the place…

Abbey comes over to me after preparing to put her homework in her folder. She brings up a paper I have to sign to say that I checked over her work and I know that it’s in her folder. I scribble away quickly a signature. She looks at it with furrowed brow and a slight scowl. (I can’t imagine where she’s heard this line before…) “Mom, I don’t think this is your best work…”

I lost it. I laughed and laughed. She laughed. We laughed. I got up erased the signature and rewrote it.

Sometimes, in the midst of quantity I forget about quality. More isn’t necessarily the best. Especially in regard to relationships. I can cram a dozen folks in a room and get so busy that the Martha in me goes into overdrive nearing a heart attack in an attempt to serve. I can cram pack a vacation with so many stops and things “we’ll never get a chance to do again” and especially with my kids who are still really young we may do a ton of stuff but we were so rushed from place to place that what they remember is my stress. The photo ops won’t erase the pressure to run from room to room in a museum full of items we saw in two seconds flat so quickly that they couldn’t ask questions, touch what’s appropriate… or be touched. In the classroom on Sunday mornings, maybe I don’t hit every point in the lesson plan or fill out the roll well, but I think the folks there are well aware of being heard and desperately loved. Questions are asked and some are even answered! In emails to my friends, I may not make a daily or weekly quota consistently, but my friends, I pray know they are heard and loved and when I am with them virtually or in person they are the whole world to me in that moment.

  “More” is not conducive to time to “be” with someone. I know this. I know that a “sense of accomplishment” doesn’t always equal a “sense of loving well”. In fact I will be honest and say that often someone “being with me” who is pushing us from task to task instead leaves me hungry for their presence. I want to know and be known. Task doesn’t always leave room for that. I would imagine that at my graveside few will list a huge dashboard full of accomplished feats of April Stogner, but it’s my dream, prayer, hope  more than anything at least one will say, “She loved me so well.”

Luke 10: 41 -42

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”Can’t you hear the voice of Jesus saying, “Martha, honey, it will all get done. Mary has taken the time to just “be” with me. That is a gift!”

Currently reading : Intimate Moments with the Savior By Mr. Ken Gire Release date: 16 November, 1989